(no subject)
Mellow Jon
Lots of things happening lately.

Found out from the company I got laid off from that our aircraft's hydraulics lead was hosting maybe a dozen engineers from the other side of the world, to train them for several weeks to support the sustaining-engineering on my old plane.  They're from the other side of the world - it's not important where.  They insist that no one who works there is at risk of losing their job to outsourcing.  To which I think, that's precious little consolation to the people who've already lost their jobs.  It's a guarantee that we won't ever get our jobs back.  I'm watching my job go to someone else.  Watching myself get replaced.  It's a terrible feeling. 

My luck has been good to me though, finding this job that I'm at now.  I'd be hard pressed to go back.  There's a massive outsourcing effort in aircraft right now, and many of us are very bitter about it.  Many even more than me.  But then, my job is technically outsourced from Europe.  Outsourcing got me out of my last job, and into my current job.  Still, fuck outsourcing.

So my first date went well.  Except for the part where the coffee shop I picked closed an hour before, so I had to sit outside and wait for her.  It was cold.  But she was cool about it.  I told her I deliberately didn't check their times to make sure it was at least a little awkward.  That's probably true too.  We got milkshakes at a diner next door.  We have alot in common - she plays the clarinet.  She's agnostic and shameless about it, which was refreshing.  It's still almost a forbidden topic to me, like I'm just waiting for someone to disagree with me, and destroy my ability to have my own religious views.  She's got some social awkwardness, which works for me, with my social awkwardness.  She's finishing up her master's degree, I think English and Anthropology eventually - said that had been a real problem with the guys she meets (are most guys really that insecure?)  Our conversation was really a window into academia, how professional journals and conferences and getting published works.  I was a little embarrassed - I think I'm pretty smart but I'm certainly not academic.  But it was wonderful, maybe I was enthralled.  

Still, she's cool, and cute, but I go back and forth between feeling giddy about the next date, and feeling nothing.  And I think that's mostly me, not her.  And it's all new, of course it's going to feel weird.  Still, this is dangerous territory for me.  A big, big part of me feels like there's no reason why this isn't going to end like it always does, with all my feelings dropping off a cliff, and feeling trapped and paralyzed in a relationship that I don't understand - being bombarded with feelings that I can't return because I don't understand them.  

I could try harder this time, try harder to understand what's happening to me, and think about all the good things in the future, and just work harder to allow myself to be okay, and have fun, and be in fun situations.  Therapy is going well, and I feel better than I have in a long time.  And I guess this is part of me trying to get better - to just be normal, be in love once in a while, like people our age are prone to do.  And that's part of why I HATE myself for trying to do this, to let her be some foil in my personal behavioural thearpy experiment, and then I HATE the idea of dating and HATE myself in advance for how I'm going to hurt us both.  

But at the same time, I'm starting to understand that some of those feelings are unreasonable.  And I'm just so tired of being alone, and feeling guilty about everything, and convincing myself that it's probably best if I don't date because {insert any self-deprecating comment here}.  I've turned down at least half a dozen blind date attempts in the last year.  And only because of all those stupid reasons.  

I just hope she's got at least as much going on as I do.  I guess the thing that scares me most about dating, is finding someone who doesn't understand what it really means to be alone.  We're going out to dinner this Thursday.  I really want to dig a little deeper and find out what her demons are, but that's hardly proper pleasant dinner conversation.  Maybe that'll be the third date.  We'll sit around and listen to Death Cab and talk about how terrible everything is.  

(no subject)
Mellow Jon
I didn't want to just rage-quit the last entry.  I guess I hit a nerve.  I talked about it in counseling on Monday.  She kind of built on what we already knew, that I've got alot of feelings that I don't feel - either can't or won't, but probably mostly just won't.  I'm going to have to keep pulling on that splinter.

We had freezing rain today on the way home from work.  It was terrible.  Truck was all iced over when I got out to it, driving was pretty treacherous.  Been working late.  So much more work coming.  I'm so ready, after missing three mondays in a row.  Two were holidays, but when you contract, you just don't get paid if you don't work, even if it is a holiday.  I'm ready to make up for lost ground.

I asked out a girl this weekend.  It was just a dating website, okcupid, which I hate, I just hate the concept, that you're going to pilfer through hundreds of "applicants" profiles before finding someone who is demographically the perfect fit.  I hadn't really been looking, but this one just caught me.  Date is this weekend.  Just a cup of coffee at a local coffee shop.  I hate the idea, because I still look to all the end-game situations, which all bore or bother me.  But more than that, I'm just tired of being so goddamn miserable and alone all the time.  And I can do something about that.  And if I don't do something about it, then I'm addicted to the misery.  So I'm trying to quit misery cold turkey.  I just hope she isn't too normal.

And because it's my homework, time for another feelings entry.

I feel tired.
I feel stoked about work.  Like I'm just so ready to do everything it's going to take to build this airplane.
I feel not-stoked about this date.  Like it's going to be a string of blind-date faux-pas building up to a crescendo of mutual disappointment.
I feel so broken.  I feel like I don't have enough hands to cover all the wounds.  
I feel like I am simply not allowed to look forward to this, because I'm not going to be able to handle any disappointment.
I feel guilty for buying anything but food and gas.
I feel just so out-of-my-mind scared of the future.
More than anything, I'm afraid that I'm just going to be okay.  I'm afraid that this date will go well.  I'm afraid of progress at work, I'm afraid of my friends being friends to me.
I feel like I'm not going to be able to live up to my coworkers expectations.
I feel jealous of coffee.  Because I'm only the person people like after half a cup.  And I want people to like the chemical-free version of myself.  Even if I don't either.
I'm still just afraid of happiness. 
I feel disappointed in myself for not believing what my family does.  I feel empty when I think of all the people who don't feel so empty.
I feel like DECKING my passive-aggressive coworker, who finds a new way to drag me down every few days.

I guess that's enough for tonight.  That wasn't so bad.  But I hope it's much worse next time.  Next appointment is at the end of the month.  I'm not really satisfied with my progress, so I'm going to try to work on it more.  I know it's not a race, but in the two weeks I have between appointments, I can do more than I have been.

(no subject)
Mellow Jon
I was given homework at my last therapy session.  Its a printout of the chapter "Identifying and Expressing Your Feelings" from "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook".  I need to read this, and understand it.  And I was also told to start a journal, where I write out how I feel about, well, how I feel about anything I guess.  I told my therapist that I already had a journal (this one), and she asked me what I wrote about.  And I told her "Mostly this." (referring to the therapy), which surprised her.  I thought it was kind of funny.

So, I guess maybe this journal might take on a little more clinical feel for a while.  I'll start right in to it.

Right now, I don't feel anything, again.  Goddammit.
And that makes me feel frustrated, like I'm a car with a stubborn electrical problem that never acts up for the mechanic.
And that makes me feel anxious.  Like I'm forever dammed to be wrong, and not understand exactly how or why.
I feel like I'd rather be playing video games right now.
But then I still feel determined to satisfy my responsibilities, do my homework.
I feel like I should be grateful for what I have...no
I feel guilty for what I have.  I feel guilty for being unemployed and still managing better than everyone else I knew.
And now I feel guilty for not being unemployed.  I don't even know anyone who's still unemployed - there's no one to feel guilty for.
And now I feel confused.  Why the fuck do I feel that way then?
And now I'm done.  I'm just so done with fuckin feelings.  This is pointless.  I'll try again later.

(no subject)
Mellow Jon
I have another therapist appointment today, my third.  Second was a little better.  I guess I never wrote about it.  I told her all about all the things I feel like I should be doing - having a normal relationship, buying a house, enjoying my twenties.  And how not doing those things fills me with anxiety and frustration.

She said one thing that really resonated with me: that people who grew up with alot of guilt end up telling themselves that they "should" alot.  That because we feel guilty, we're going to give ourselves lists of things to do to make atonement, and achieve forgiveness.  Even though it's just in our own head. 

I want to dig a little deeper, into some random stuff that I don't think I've ever gotten out, so this is going to sound like a kind of non-sequitor.

The idea of my mom as a mother-in-law scares the hell out of me.  Part of me secretly wants to just wait until she makes it to a retirement home, or passes away from old age before I try to have a normal relationship again (which, of course, wouldn't be for another 20 years, at least).  When I was in college, she terrorized me when I told her I was dating a politically-active democrat - she peeled off in a string of assumptions about how all democrats are soul-less baby-killers.  I ran onto the porch to just escape the situation, because she was inconsolable, and she chased me onto the porch and grabbed my arm, fiercely, to finish her tirade.  That left an indelible mark on me.

I guess being in a happy, white-picket-fence/happily-ever-after relationship isn't really the end-all in my mind.  I want to be okay without that, and I think everyone should have that option.  But I think I need to have the other option too.  It's not really a choice if you don't have any alternatives.

I feel okay today, maybe a little too okay.  And I guess, if I just keep living my life the way I have been, there really isn't anything wrong with me.  I should defer to the decision I made last year - I wouldn't be in therapy if there wasn't something I thought was serious enough.  I just hate that I always seem okay when I get there.  To think of all the profoundly disturbed people she must see on a regular basis, and here comes some kid whose biggest problem seems to be not having a date on Friday night.  I have to persist, because I know that I haven't gotten to where I want to be, even if I don't know where that is exactly, or if it even exists.  Gotta try.

(no subject)
Mellow Jon
Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays everyone! I'm back at my parents' house, in a reclined, under a blanket, and under a friendly, sleepy black cat.

I've had alot of complex feelings lately about therapy, and life, and love. I don't want to just talk about problems the whole holidays though, my family does that all the time, and it makes me sad.

I've had alot of delicious food and deserts that ill regret, like the family's yearly toffee cookies, and some pumpkin pie tonight.

My little brother is in town too, staying at my place. We don't agree on anything, but we still get along pretty well I guess. He has alot of crazy ideas, but im just happy to see him.

Blogging on a droid is kind of awkward too, but nice to know I can. Talk to you all soon!

Time for a Music Video post
Mellow Jon
So I ran into this song on Pandora on my Droid, while driving northeast for an hour to take my ex-girlfriend/best friend out to lunch, and hang out.  It was every bit as awkward as it sounds, but it was fun.  I don't think it can ever work, and I think that still makes her sad.  But we're still close.  We sat in a Starbucks, drinking terrible fancy lattes while I told her all of life's problems, and she told me some of her's. 

Wow, anyways, so the song, it was on my Electronica station, this song "The Rain" by Calvin Harris.  He's unknown to me, but his tracks show up on that station alot.  But that song really stuck with me, the chiptune style, the intro that sounds like SimCity for SNES, and the low synth beat.  And then that line: "These are the good times in your life.  So put on a smile, and it'll be alright."

So then I think "Screw you, Calvin Harris, you don't know me!" But then I realize that it really got to me.  Even behind a delicious electronic dance beat, hearing "It'll be alright" is kind of triggering, especially hearing it repeated.  I don't know how I feel about it - it feels more like taking a splinter out than getting one.  It hurts, but it's okay.  I resent the idea that the key to recovery is to "fake it 'till you make it", to force yourself to be happy if you're not.  But then I still have alot to be grateful for.  And there's still alot I can control.  I can't always just be happy, but I can always work harder.  That's just what I got out of the song, apparently there was a girl mentioned in the song too, but that's not the part I was interested in.

Song #2, Katy Perry's Firework.  Now, she's a little pop, and most of her hits have been pretty mindless.  But this one was positive, and I have to appreciate the effort, even if it was just the result trying to target her demographic.  

"Baby you're a firework.  Come on let your colors burst."  I'm a little embarrassed to say that it gets to me.  It lifts my mood.  Makes me feel like I have something to look forward to if I get better.  Like there's a world out there that will love you if you want it to.  There's a dichotomy there though, Katy Perry is one of the "popular girls", singing a song for all the outcasts.  I feel like it'd mean more if it came from someone like Pink or Ingrid Michaelson, someone who's more on the outcast side themselves.  But the song is what it is, and it's great.

I had a weird conversation with a coworker of mine.  He's in his 30's, he's been a manager, and is one of the big guns on our project.  One of those guys who knows everything.  Apparently we made a connection at some point.  We were both working late, so he pulls up a chair to my desk at around 8:00 PM and starts telling me about this rumor he overheard about our tolerancing expert's replacement.  Our current tolerancing expert got a job at another aircraft company in town, leaving us with a slot to fill.  And I'm apparently one of the people being considered to fill this position.  I'm not within 5 year's experience of any of the other candidates (this guy being one of them), but he's not taking it, because it's too much work for where he's at in his life right now.  All the while, he keeps talking up my work ethic, building me up, telling me I've got friends in all the right places because of what I've done at work.  Usually I'm pretty tactful about deflecting compliments like that, but he was determined to not let me deflect all of them.  It's weird, it's almost like he knows everything about me, like he knows what I need to hear.  I'd say it's creepy if I didn't know I was so easy to read.  And then he mentions that his wife ran into my facebook profile, because apparently my name came up in conversation, and they thought all my wall posts were funny and clever, and she's got someone she wants to hook me up with now.  I don't know why all this is happening, and I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I want to ask him why he's being so nice to me.  He doesn't owe me anything, we don't even work directly on the same parts.  It's possible he just wants to be friends.  That makes me nervous. 

Well, anyways, busy week lined up.  Monday through Thursday.  Friday off.  Thursday may be slow.  M-Wed will be crazy.  Tomorrow is a huge review for a set of parts that I (almost) exclusively design.  It should go pretty well.  It butts right up against my next appointment with the psychologist though.  Yeah, tomorrow's gonna be crazy.

Also, if you've seen a commercial for The A-Team movie coming out on DVD, they were probably playing this song.  Rockstars, by Steve Aoki.  I kind of dig it.  It's electronic and dirty, but I like to play it when I'm feeling kind of "devil may care".

Revealing Details about my Medical Conditions (you've been warned)
Mellow Jon
I'm sorry it's been a while.  Updates:

I got a Droid X.  It is distracting.  Haven't tried blogging on it.  On-screen keyboard makes me miss my old flip-keyboard.  Playing alot of silly hourly MMO games.

I had my doctor appointment last Thursday.  It went okay.  Note to self: don't tell the doctor you think you have hemohhoroids.  Because he will check you RIGHT THERE, and right then.  I'm not dying, I just have a terrible bachelor's diet, that's lacking everything healthy.  Doctor recommended an over-the-counter fiber supplement.  I'm 26.  FML.  Actually, he and an intern there too, some kid my age, looked a little green.  Felt a little awkward, but I just thought of Grey's Anatomy, and that made it AWESOME.  Also, the reason I actually went to the doctor: not feeling feelings.  So he sent me on to a psychologist.

It took five weeks to see my doctor, so I had low expectations about this psychologist.  I call the next monday: they've had a cancellation and will see me tomorrow.  Tomorrow is today.  So I saw her.  One "Dr. Herbert", pronounced "err-vay", which I thought was kind of classy.  She is just an average-looking woman in her mid thirties.  Extremely friendly, but kind of detached and professional.  I talked to her for an hour, which involved about 50 minutes of questions.  She took special note of my failed relationships, and my casual suicidal thought (like twice in the last 10 years).  Then she mentioned that I probably have mild depression, and she can get me a prescription for something right now, or we can continue therapy.  So I thought to myself  "Sure, get me on the first thing that comes to your mind, after your 50-minute snap diagnosis, that'll fix all my one problem that you found."  Maybe she's just results-oriented, and didn't want to waste time - I can't be mad at her, that's not fair.  Regardless, I opted for plain therapy for now, next session on Monday. 

I'm more optimistic about the next session because it won't have to be so much "Oh! and who the hell are you?" kind of questioning.  I'm not really satisfied that I explained everything; I don't think that's possible in one session.

I'm still desperate to avoid the idea that all my problems are bullshit, compared to people who have REAL problems.  Also, that my problems are completely imaginary, because life is rough, and I need to grow a pair and get thicker skin.  Also, that I invent problems to save me from the pure boredom of solitary, unwillingly-celibate bachelorhood.  I've met all three of these people, who have these problems exactly in real life.  Sometimes I feel like I have combined their powers, and become CAPTIAN PROBLEMS!

Featured: Not Captian Problems

I do need to probably start exercising.  And clean my disgusting (in places) house.  I just wish there was something more I could do right now to get better.

(no subject)
Mellow Jon
I do feel better today - happy that its the weekend, kind of optimistic.  But I had to post this, it was too right:

Eye Contact? No thanks, I'll just lose my mind instead.
Mellow Jon
I feel so broken today.  Just so wrong.

A new facebook friend of mine wrote this on her wall:
After a day filled with rudeness, impatience, ingnorance, and selfishness- I have come to the conclusion that society is heading quickly down the crapper. Seriously- how much effort does it take to listen, be kind, have patience, cooperate with the people trying to help you. Please Jesus come soon!

So I replied back:
Especially in the moment that you perceive that you've been wronged, people don't seem to make enough effort to understand their own actions and attitude. It's so important to try to understand, because that's the moment when you fabricate this negativity out of thin air, out of nothing, and for no reason. And it's negativity that the world can do without.

And then another redneck friend of mine followed my reply up with this:
At least nobody was sacking your village torturing and murdering the men and boys. Raping the sheep and selling the women and girls cause they can get a better price that way. Many people don't realize it but Gods works have borne much fruit in this world so far.

And what he wrote after me just really pissed me off, and made me feel miserable.  Like, I was almost making a connection with someone, a little personal pact to not make this miserable world worse than it is, and he shows up and contributes, that at least our lives don't involve torture and murder and rape.  Thanks, redneck friend, your perspective really makes me feel better about my life.  What the fuck is he even talking about?  The original poster responded specifically to mine, so that was kind of vindicating.  Still.

Yesterday was bad.  All the wrong things happened.  Small stuff that just added up.  Today was a little better.  Not sleeping well.  Not getting to bed early enough, I guess, maybe I'm just getting old.  

Appointment still on the 9th.  Just around the corner, and still
ages away.  I keep rehearsing what I'll say.  Try to make it sound like it's not just me whining about life, making sure that it's not just trivial bullshit that everyone has to put up with.  But I can't see "okay" from here.  And I know it's not normal to randomly cry every night for no reason.  I don't know why I got worse, I don't even know what I got worse at, I don't like this anymore.  It's not fun to be moody and solitary when you really feel like your life and your mind is disintegrating.  Every day I feel like I'm "holding it together".  It's hard work to stay motivated to get my life right.  To take care of myself, and value the right things.  Every day, it seems I slip back into just existing.  Like I texted to my best friend, some days feel like they were made to burn.  Others feel like even seconds count.  Like right now, what if for just the next minute, you worked passionately, and directly on getting the one thing you want more than anything else.  And sometimes, I can feel that, and ...oh my god, I want to know everything, and express myself artistically and love everyone.  But a lot of the time, I just feel like being happy is too much work.  It's a nice thought, but I'll just keep hating myself and my life, because I'm a miserable bastard.  I believe that I can do better.  I'm still not sure that I can "get better", or if what I "have" is something that you can undo, or recover from.  But I can DO better.  

I think I need to go to bed severely early tonight.  Nothing I think makes sense anymore.

I had a crush on a coworker, I don't think I ever mentioned that before.  It's not a realistic crush, she's married, and significantly older than me.  But cute.  I sit directly across from her, across an aisle,  and our computers face away from each other, but at an angle, so we're in each other's peripheral vision pretty much all day.  And it's driving me out of my fucking mind, I'm so crazy about eye-contact.  I'm very careful to not look directly over there, but I know that if I look directly at the upper left corner of my screen, it looks like I'm staring over there.  And I'm desperate to avoid that appearance, so sometimes I'll move my work over to the right-hand side of the screen, or just slouch severely until I disappear under our far-too-short cubicle walls.  And all day, every day, I have to wonder if she's thinking the same thing.  I had to finally talk to her last week, about getting some documents through our release process.  Not as high-school-awkward as I feared.  Still awkward.  That's the end of that story.  I just really wish I had 20 foot-tall cubicle walls.  

Here's some new toys I got this weekend.  voodoolayla  wrote a great story about a legendary hammer, with which he singlehandedly toppled the Berlin Wall, hammered the final golden spike into the transcontinental railroad, and which totally got him ALL the laides.  (I'm pretty sure there's no way to prove that it didn't all happen exactly like that.)  Anyways, that got me thinking, that the only hammer that I have was an old wood-handle claw hammer, and I've really needed something better on a few occasions.  So I picked up these bad boys:

In order from left to right: Hand Sledge, Ball Peen, and Dead Blow.  Apparently, a hand sledge is called an "Engineer's Hammer" on the label, which made me whisper to myself "fuck yeah!" but really quietly so no one else heard me.

(no subject)
Mellow Jon
Is it possible to have a one-night-stand, where instead of having sex, you bring home a stranger and just tell each other all your problems, bare your soul, and then lean on each other's shoulder and stare at the wall for the rest of the night?  Because that's SO where I'm at right now.


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