I feel so broken today. Just so wrong.
A new facebook friend of mine wrote this on her wall:
After a day filled with rudeness, impatience, ingnorance, and selfishness- I have come to the conclusion that society is heading quickly down the crapper. Seriously- how much effort does it take to listen, be kind, have patience, cooperate with the people trying to help you. Please Jesus come soon!
So I replied back:
Especially in the moment that you perceive that you've been wronged, people don't seem to make enough effort to understand their own actions and attitude. It's so important to try to understand, because that's the moment when you fabricate this negativity out of thin air, out of nothing, and for no reason. And it's negativity that the world can do without.
And then another redneck friend of mine followed my reply up with this:
At least nobody was sacking your village torturing and murdering the men and boys. Raping the sheep and selling the women and girls cause they can get a better price that way. Many people don't realize it but Gods works have borne much fruit in this world so far.
And what he wrote after me just really pissed me off, and made me feel miserable. Like, I was almost making a connection with someone, a little personal pact to not make this miserable world worse than it is, and he shows up and contributes, that at least our lives don't involve torture and murder and rape. Thanks, redneck friend, your perspective really makes me feel better about my life. What the fuck is he even talking about? The original poster responded specifically to mine, so that was kind of vindicating. Still.
Yesterday was bad. All the wrong things happened. Small stuff that just added up. Today was a little better. Not sleeping well. Not getting to bed early enough, I guess, maybe I'm just getting old.
Appointment still on the 9th. Just around the corner, and still ages away. I keep rehearsing what I'll say. Try to make it sound like it's not just me whining about life, making sure that it's not just trivial bullshit that everyone has to put up with. But I can't see "okay" from here. And I know it's not normal to randomly cry every night for no reason. I don't know why I got worse, I don't even know what I got worse at, I don't like this anymore. It's not fun to be moody and solitary when you really feel like your life and your mind is disintegrating. Every day I feel like I'm "holding it together". It's hard work to stay motivated to get my life right. To take care of myself, and value the right things. Every day, it seems I slip back into just existing. Like I texted to my best friend, some days feel like they were made to burn. Others feel like even seconds count. Like right now, what if for just the next minute, you worked passionately, and directly on getting the one thing you want more than anything else. And sometimes, I can feel that, and ...oh my god, I want to know everything, and express myself artistically and love everyone. But a lot of the time, I just feel like being happy is too much work. It's a nice thought, but I'll just keep hating myself and my life, because I'm a miserable bastard. I believe that I can do better. I'm still not sure that I can "get better", or if what I "have" is something that you can undo, or recover from. But I can DO better.
I think I need to go to bed severely early tonight. Nothing I think makes sense anymore.
I had a crush on a coworker, I don't think I ever mentioned that before. It's not a realistic crush, she's married, and significantly older than me. But cute. I sit directly across from her, across an aisle, and our computers face away from each other, but at an angle, so we're in each other's peripheral vision pretty much all day. And it's driving me out of my fucking mind, I'm so crazy about eye-contact. I'm very careful to not look directly over there, but I know that if I look directly at the upper left corner of my screen, it looks like I'm staring over there. And I'm desperate to avoid that appearance, so sometimes I'll move my work over to the right-hand side of the screen, or just slouch severely until I disappear under our far-too-short cubicle walls. And all day, every day, I have to wonder if she's thinking the same thing. I had to finally talk to her last week, about getting some documents through our release process. Not as high-school-awkward as I feared. Still awkward. That's the end of that story. I just really wish I had 20 foot-tall cubicle walls.
Here's some new toys I got this weekend. voodoolayla wrote a great story about a legendary hammer, with which he singlehandedly toppled the Berlin Wall, hammered the final golden spike into the transcontinental railroad, and which totally got him ALL the laides. (I'm pretty sure there's no way to prove that it didn't all happen exactly like that.) Anyways, that got me thinking, that the only hammer that I have was an old wood-handle claw hammer, and I've really needed something better on a few occasions. So I picked up these bad boys:
In order from left to right: Hand Sledge, Ball Peen, and Dead Blow. Apparently, a hand sledge is called an "Engineer's Hammer" on the label, which made me whisper to myself "fuck yeah!" but really quietly so no one else heard me.
- Eye Contact? No thanks, I'll just lose my mind instead.