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Eye Contact? No thanks, I'll just lose my mind instead.
Mellow Jon
I feel so broken today.  Just so wrong.

A new facebook friend of mine wrote this on her wall:
After a day filled with rudeness, impatience, ingnorance, and selfishness- I have come to the conclusion that society is heading quickly down the crapper. Seriously- how much effort does it take to listen, be kind, have patience, cooperate with the people trying to help you. Please Jesus come soon!

So I replied back:
Especially in the moment that you perceive that you've been wronged, people don't seem to make enough effort to understand their own actions and attitude. It's so important to try to understand, because that's the moment when you fabricate this negativity out of thin air, out of nothing, and for no reason. And it's negativity that the world can do without.

And then another redneck friend of mine followed my reply up with this:
At least nobody was sacking your village torturing and murdering the men and boys. Raping the sheep and selling the women and girls cause they can get a better price that way. Many people don't realize it but Gods works have borne much fruit in this world so far.

And what he wrote after me just really pissed me off, and made me feel miserable.  Like, I was almost making a connection with someone, a little personal pact to not make this miserable world worse than it is, and he shows up and contributes, that at least our lives don't involve torture and murder and rape.  Thanks, redneck friend, your perspective really makes me feel better about my life.  What the fuck is he even talking about?  The original poster responded specifically to mine, so that was kind of vindicating.  Still.

Yesterday was bad.  All the wrong things happened.  Small stuff that just added up.  Today was a little better.  Not sleeping well.  Not getting to bed early enough, I guess, maybe I'm just getting old.  

Appointment still on the 9th.  Just around the corner, and still
ages away.  I keep rehearsing what I'll say.  Try to make it sound like it's not just me whining about life, making sure that it's not just trivial bullshit that everyone has to put up with.  But I can't see "okay" from here.  And I know it's not normal to randomly cry every night for no reason.  I don't know why I got worse, I don't even know what I got worse at, I don't like this anymore.  It's not fun to be moody and solitary when you really feel like your life and your mind is disintegrating.  Every day I feel like I'm "holding it together".  It's hard work to stay motivated to get my life right.  To take care of myself, and value the right things.  Every day, it seems I slip back into just existing.  Like I texted to my best friend, some days feel like they were made to burn.  Others feel like even seconds count.  Like right now, what if for just the next minute, you worked passionately, and directly on getting the one thing you want more than anything else.  And sometimes, I can feel that, and ...oh my god, I want to know everything, and express myself artistically and love everyone.  But a lot of the time, I just feel like being happy is too much work.  It's a nice thought, but I'll just keep hating myself and my life, because I'm a miserable bastard.  I believe that I can do better.  I'm still not sure that I can "get better", or if what I "have" is something that you can undo, or recover from.  But I can DO better.  

I think I need to go to bed severely early tonight.  Nothing I think makes sense anymore.

I had a crush on a coworker, I don't think I ever mentioned that before.  It's not a realistic crush, she's married, and significantly older than me.  But cute.  I sit directly across from her, across an aisle,  and our computers face away from each other, but at an angle, so we're in each other's peripheral vision pretty much all day.  And it's driving me out of my fucking mind, I'm so crazy about eye-contact.  I'm very careful to not look directly over there, but I know that if I look directly at the upper left corner of my screen, it looks like I'm staring over there.  And I'm desperate to avoid that appearance, so sometimes I'll move my work over to the right-hand side of the screen, or just slouch severely until I disappear under our far-too-short cubicle walls.  And all day, every day, I have to wonder if she's thinking the same thing.  I had to finally talk to her last week, about getting some documents through our release process.  Not as high-school-awkward as I feared.  Still awkward.  That's the end of that story.  I just really wish I had 20 foot-tall cubicle walls.  

Here's some new toys I got this weekend.  voodoolayla  wrote a great story about a legendary hammer, with which he singlehandedly toppled the Berlin Wall, hammered the final golden spike into the transcontinental railroad, and which totally got him ALL the laides.  (I'm pretty sure there's no way to prove that it didn't all happen exactly like that.)  Anyways, that got me thinking, that the only hammer that I have was an old wood-handle claw hammer, and I've really needed something better on a few occasions.  So I picked up these bad boys:

In order from left to right: Hand Sledge, Ball Peen, and Dead Blow.  Apparently, a hand sledge is called an "Engineer's Hammer" on the label, which made me whisper to myself "fuck yeah!" but really quietly so no one else heard me.

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today i'm broken too.
everything you say makes all the sense in the world to me today. i can relate so well i'd like to hug you. it's like really strange reading your own thoughts in someone else's journal...

the only difference is i can't see my coworker unless i turn my head slightly right and then he's in the corner of my eye. but before, i used to sit so that i could see him all the time because of the definitely too short cubicle walls. something passed between us like over a year ago and after that everything's been a bit, well, complicated. for me anyway because i tend to think too much. not exactly a crush, but. anyway. and wondering if the other person is thinking about the same things... isn't it hard!? it's not like you could just stop thinking. or feeling.

but in a way it's good too because it gives you a reason to go to work every day.

and isn't it funny how it's really easy to talk with the other people, but the person you('d) really like to be talking with... it's always so awkward. maybe you just have to pay so much attention to what s/he's thinking about you.

I get that feeling all the time too, seeing your own thoughts coming from someone else. That's why I need this so badly, and it's so fun to be here. A hug is exactly what I could use, that made me smile. I would hug you back in a way that said "why does the rest of the world have to be so goddam normal and happy?"

I mock people (only in my head) who wear their heart on their sleeve at work, always pouring out all their insecurities and messy ..."feelings"! yuck! So instead I wear them on the inside and let them drive me mad, and wonder the same questions to myself for months and months. It's a lose-lose. In engineering, you definitely wonder if everyone is actually as dead inside as you think you are, or if they're all as moody and repressed as you actually are.

As crushes go, I'm always wrong. When I honestly don't think she likes me, she totally does. And when I think I've got her figured out, I think she wants me, I'm dead wrong. I'm not going to lie: it makes life kind of fun, in a dark and twisty kind of way...

As crushes go, I'm always wrong. what do you think now?

I think I think too much.

She's taken, which makes what I feel ridiculous. But everything I feel seems ridiculous. I guess I don't think about it much, because I know I'm going to be wrong.

ok now stop it. you're stealing my lines.
in a way it's good to know I'm not the only one having these mixed up confused thoughts...

but hey. to make it all a bit more complicated I'm taken too, so is he. such is life. being taken doesn't mean things couldn't change. that you couldn't have feelings for anyone else just because you're taken. maybe that's the ideal, but honestly how often does it happen?

I like the feeling of having a crush on someone even though it's always complicated.

its yoru time to talk to that guy i say you talk about whatever you feel like and if you sound like something who cares
sound like it
get everything out that you feel you have to get out
dont' hold back or practous but do think about the things you want to talk about

and that also sucks about that girl being marryed it sucks alot
im really sorry
if it helps there was this girl at a 7 11 by my friends house who i went to alot
i would even drive out of the way to her house to go to said 7 11 infact im too cheap to shop at one but i really liked her
finaly after some time she talks to me for a longer time then normal i think upto that point we had only talked for short times
however i figuerd this is awesome cause i was coverd head to toe in dirt greese and grime ect form working on the aformentioned friends car
and then after talkign to her for like 20 min or so and my friends just kinda like hell yeh go i noted on her finger
one ring

i later would lurn that she was marryed with a kid

its kinda funny to me now
i hope that helps

and you were right about the hammer except it was given to me by john henry him self too

however those hammers look bad as hell
i love mini sledges they soo kick ass and that mallette is that two hardnesses of rubber? even better and you can't go wrong with a good ball peen
i never did know it was called an engineers hammer tho
so aperntly it was ment for you
and the hammer did get me all the ladys i would just flash it that would blind them and then one swift blow to the back of the head... oh wait

and that facebook comments to you and your buddy are exactly what bugs me about the internet and funny enuff exaclty what she was talking about
i feel that way my self sometimes dealing with people who want there parts
forget him and just enjoy talkign to your friend like that redneck dosn't exist

Hey, thanks for the story about the 7-11, that helps a little. Dating after high school seems like a real minefield of wrong turns. Alot of different ways to get in trouble, and alot of different kinds of trouble to get into.

I think I mis-named the last one, is that a mallet? I think a dead blow is the one with sand inside.

Honestly, I mostly needed something to destroy a hard drive that I wanted to throw away, and it just laughed at me when I tried to hit it with my old claw hammer. The hand sledge would've showed it who's boss! It feels so right in my hand, like I'm picking up a fucking BATTLE AXE. We're going to have some good times together, me and the sledge.

it is a minefield it makes me laugh in away thinking back then how i felt it was soo hard and anoying in alot of cases and then it wouldn't get much easyer
it dose get easyer when you find the girl who helps make it that way
but the trick is to find her

im not sure about the name of that one but im never sure about proper names anyway the name dead blow sounds better anyway

and thats freeking sweet i got this immage of you picking it up and spining it in your hand really fast and then bringing it down with athority that rocks

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