I have another therapist appointment today, my third. Second was a little better. I guess I never wrote about it. I told her all about all the things I feel like I should be doing - having a normal relationship, buying a house, enjoying my twenties. And how not doing those things fills me with anxiety and frustration.
She said one thing that really resonated with me: that people who grew up with alot of guilt end up telling themselves that they "should" alot. That because we feel guilty, we're going to give ourselves lists of things to do to make atonement, and achieve forgiveness. Even though it's just in our own head.
I want to dig a little deeper, into some random stuff that I don't think I've ever gotten out, so this is going to sound like a kind of non-sequitor.
The idea of my mom as a mother-in-law scares the hell out of me. Part of me secretly wants to just wait until she makes it to a retirement home, or passes away from old age before I try to have a normal relationship again (which, of course, wouldn't be for another 20 years, at least). When I was in college, she terrorized me when I told her I was dating a politically-active democrat - she peeled off in a string of assumptions about how all democrats are soul-less baby-killers. I ran onto the porch to just escape the situation, because she was inconsolable, and she chased me onto the porch and grabbed my arm, fiercely, to finish her tirade. That left an indelible mark on me.
I guess being in a happy, white-picket-fence/happily-ever-after relationship isn't really the end-all in my mind. I want to be okay without that, and I think everyone should have that option. But I think I need to have the other option too. It's not really a choice if you don't have any alternatives.
I feel okay today, maybe a little too okay. And I guess, if I just keep living my life the way I have been, there really isn't anything wrong with me. I should defer to the decision I made last year - I wouldn't be in therapy if there wasn't something I thought was serious enough. I just hate that I always seem okay when I get there. To think of all the profoundly disturbed people she must see on a regular basis, and here comes some kid whose biggest problem seems to be not having a date on Friday night. I have to persist, because I know that I haven't gotten to where I want to be, even if I don't know where that is exactly, or if it even exists. Gotta try.
- (no subject)