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Mellow Jon
foryoueverlong
I was given homework at my last therapy session.  Its a printout of the chapter "Identifying and Expressing Your Feelings" from "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook".  I need to read this, and understand it.  And I was also told to start a journal, where I write out how I feel about, well, how I feel about anything I guess.  I told my therapist that I already had a journal (this one), and she asked me what I wrote about.  And I told her "Mostly this." (referring to the therapy), which surprised her.  I thought it was kind of funny.

So, I guess maybe this journal might take on a little more clinical feel for a while.  I'll start right in to it.

Right now, I don't feel anything, again.  Goddammit.
And that makes me feel frustrated, like I'm a car with a stubborn electrical problem that never acts up for the mechanic.
And that makes me feel anxious.  Like I'm forever dammed to be wrong, and not understand exactly how or why.
I feel like I'd rather be playing video games right now.
But then I still feel determined to satisfy my responsibilities, do my homework.
I feel like I should be grateful for what I have...no
I feel guilty for what I have.  I feel guilty for being unemployed and still managing better than everyone else I knew.
And now I feel guilty for not being unemployed.  I don't even know anyone who's still unemployed - there's no one to feel guilty for.
And now I feel confused.  Why the fuck do I feel that way then?
And now I'm done.  I'm just so done with fuckin feelings.  This is pointless.  I'll try again later.

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I was reading this, and it has worksheets like how your therapist described. I'm going to photocopy those pages in the book and enlarge them at work so I can do them. I suggest you give this book a try, I liked it for the most part: http://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1295303059&sr=1-1

Thank you for the recommendation, I'm going to give it a try. Until you mentioned, it hadn't even occurred to me that I could be researching this stuff in my off time, outside of therapy.

i find the fact she was suprized at this journal and what you talk about in it kinda funny too

and after you wrote all teh feeling stuff i could just see this lady pushing her glasses back up her nose tilting her head wiht hair up in a neet bun down to her yellow notepad scribbleing a sec and then looking up wiht just her eyes and saying... ah..yes... and ... how dose that make you feel?

altho perhaps i need to talk to someone cause oddly the shrink in my head was selma hiak in a short black skirt too

reminds me of a story
guy gose to his shrink says i don't know whats wrong with me doc.
so the shrink says ok tell me what you see in this picture and he draws a picture of a house
the guy says sex
so the doc draws more pictures a tree a dog a street
each time sex sex sex
so the shrink doodles on his note pad and then looks up and says ok i got it your obessed with sex
and the guy says
me? your the one drawing all the dirty pictures

Haha, thank god she's not one of those "how does that make you feel" therapists. She actually contributes something too.

That's a great story too. Eye of the beholder and all that. That guy is probably perfectly normal too.

Ok... reading that last paragraph... there is so much emotion, so much feeling coming through, bursting through the lines!.. And you feel it all. You feel it very intensely, you just block it, or hide it, or are very uptight about it, that's why it seems to you like you are not feeling anything. But in reality i believe you feel a lot and rather intensely, you just completely blocked it out of your immediate awareness. It's just very deep inside, bottled up, you won't allow it to surface even when you are alone with yourself, let alone around others.
In just this one paragraph you've identified several very powerful emotions: just in the first line i see anger. Then: frustration, anxiety, determination, gratefulness. Then guilt, then confusion and then frustration again.

And even before now, reading your posts, i've noticed that you are not as emotionless as you believe yourself to be. In fact the opposite might be true. You are very emotional, you just hide and bury it very deep, you've created a defense wall inside that protects you from those emotions.

Well, anyway. I am sure your therapist is the one to do analysis on this homework of yours, but i just felt compelled to share my take of it.

I agree entirely!
My first thought after reading that last paragraph was: "for feeling nothing, you do feel quite a lot, really"

You just need to let it come out, allow it to come out, but also deep digger and *really* feel it. Feelings are scary, but they don't kill anyone. There's nothing wrong with feeling what you feel.

That's what I think I need to hear. Feelings don't kill anyone. I think I grew up thinking that they could, and I never really shook that idea. Thank you - I hope I can dig that deep in time.

It does seem like that's what I'm headed towards. That "I doth protest too much", as they say. I'd love to tear down the wall, and just hurt and bleed a little bit, maybe for the first time in my adult life.

I really appreciate your insight. I've never thought of myself as a passionate person, but maybe I am?

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