I was given homework at my last therapy session. Its a printout of the chapter "Identifying and Expressing Your Feelings" from "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook". I need to read this, and understand it. And I was also told to start a journal, where I write out how I feel about, well, how I feel about anything I guess. I told my therapist that I already had a journal (this one), and she asked me what I wrote about. And I told her "Mostly this." (referring to the therapy), which surprised her. I thought it was kind of funny.
So, I guess maybe this journal might take on a little more clinical feel for a while. I'll start right in to it.
Right now, I don't feel anything, again. Goddammit.
And that makes me feel frustrated, like I'm a car with a stubborn electrical problem that never acts up for the mechanic.
And that makes me feel anxious. Like I'm forever dammed to be wrong, and not understand exactly how or why.
I feel like I'd rather be playing video games right now.
But then I still feel determined to satisfy my responsibilities, do my homework.
I feel like I should be grateful for what I have...no
I feel guilty for what I have. I feel guilty for being unemployed and still managing better than everyone else I knew.
And now I feel guilty for not being unemployed. I don't even know anyone who's still unemployed - there's no one to feel guilty for.
And now I feel confused. Why the fuck do I feel that way then?
And now I'm done. I'm just so done with fuckin feelings. This is pointless. I'll try again later.
- (no subject)