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Mellow Jon
I have another therapist appointment today, my third.  Second was a little better.  I guess I never wrote about it.  I told her all about all the things I feel like I should be doing - having a normal relationship, buying a house, enjoying my twenties.  And how not doing those things fills me with anxiety and frustration.

She said one thing that really resonated with me: that people who grew up with alot of guilt end up telling themselves that they "should" alot.  That because we feel guilty, we're going to give ourselves lists of things to do to make atonement, and achieve forgiveness.  Even though it's just in our own head. 

I want to dig a little deeper, into some random stuff that I don't think I've ever gotten out, so this is going to sound like a kind of non-sequitor.

The idea of my mom as a mother-in-law scares the hell out of me.  Part of me secretly wants to just wait until she makes it to a retirement home, or passes away from old age before I try to have a normal relationship again (which, of course, wouldn't be for another 20 years, at least).  When I was in college, she terrorized me when I told her I was dating a politically-active democrat - she peeled off in a string of assumptions about how all democrats are soul-less baby-killers.  I ran onto the porch to just escape the situation, because she was inconsolable, and she chased me onto the porch and grabbed my arm, fiercely, to finish her tirade.  That left an indelible mark on me.

I guess being in a happy, white-picket-fence/happily-ever-after relationship isn't really the end-all in my mind.  I want to be okay without that, and I think everyone should have that option.  But I think I need to have the other option too.  It's not really a choice if you don't have any alternatives.

I feel okay today, maybe a little too okay.  And I guess, if I just keep living my life the way I have been, there really isn't anything wrong with me.  I should defer to the decision I made last year - I wouldn't be in therapy if there wasn't something I thought was serious enough.  I just hate that I always seem okay when I get there.  To think of all the profoundly disturbed people she must see on a regular basis, and here comes some kid whose biggest problem seems to be not having a date on Friday night.  I have to persist, because I know that I haven't gotten to where I want to be, even if I don't know where that is exactly, or if it even exists.  Gotta try.

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I finally came to the realization that no amount of visits to my therapist will ever even put a dent in my mom issues because it is all her. She won't even try to fix herself (she prefers everyone else just bend to her needs) and I'd go broke before I fixed my issues with her through therapy so I'm just trying to be patient but also learn to tell her No and call her out when she acts up in public. She's like an unstable 8 year old who has an unlimited bank account and can drive. She had a motorcycle accident when she was 18 that affected her executive function. My dad must have the patience of a saint or knows something I don't.

The point is to keep moving forward.

Thanks. The idea that there is a forward is what I need.

I have seriously wrote the same exact entry. I get yelled at about my "shoulds" as well. And how I must be so appreciated because I'm not crazy like the other messed up people she sees.

That is awesome. I love that when that happens to me, reading all my own thoughts on someone else's blog.

makes me alittle happy that mine is very passive agressive
with her little jabs and shots she takes at people or me

however i had the same fear
i solved it orignaly by just saying no
i don't have a girlfriend
i would also hide them form my own friends
hell i know for a fact friends of mine have met girlfriends of mine but they never knew it cause oddly enuff i would flat out tell them hay they are nuts

eventuly i got past that cause wiht friends i lost them all
with my parents i just told them this is how it is i wnat you in this part of my life but its up to you
if you act like this sorry not haponing

and don't think that you go to a tharipist cause you have problems i have and i know people who go to them just to talk
hell most of the people that go to her i bet just go to talk
and im sure she has one or tow bad cases but
they don't judge

infact i know she gose to one
they all do they all go to each other and then write books
oh and for some reaison they all love to take pictures i don't know why

and don't look for a relationship i made that mistkae
look for someone you won't mind spending the day with
if it works out good if not you can find another your a good guy i think you just forget that some times

Gosh, it sounds like you already gave your parents the ultimatum that I want to give mine. Maybe it's just a normal part of growing up, if your parents are crazy and overbearing, haha.

Thanks for the encouragement :)

yeh if you hold it in and they push you too far eventualy it comes out

and any time :)

The thing about guilt makes alot of sense. I do that alot and when I read that it made me really think. So, thank you!

I commend you on trying with the therapy. Its hard to dig deep. I always get freaked out and give up so I think its terrific your doing it.

Oh, thank you for the comment, feeling not so alone is part of why I can keep doing this.

Dude, my mom's a nut too but I've learned to embrace it and warn everyone I've ever brought to the house that sometimes she says crazy things but I love her and you (whomever is brought to the house) should too.

I've gotten in a habit of doing that too. I think I usually overdo it with girls I bring over, I think. I'd just rather it be me that scares them off than my mother.

But yeah, our mom's are crazy, but life can still be good. Thanks.

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