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foryoueverlong's Journal

For You, Everlong
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I'm just an engineer in his twenties, in the middle of Kansas. All I really want to do is fix things. I can fix anything that's electrical or mechanical, but I can't fix anything that's emotional or psychological. That doesn't mean I don't want to.

First off, this blog exists because it's anonymous. I'd like to keep it that way. I write things that I could never write in front of people I know; things that could cause alot of damage if the right people knew. If you think you know me, lets please just keep it that way.

I'm not okay. I can't create memories with feelings. If I can remember something, the memory reads like an encyclopedia entry - cold, neutral and impartial. I both curse and give thanks for this every day. I don't believe in true love, god, or the inherent goodness of humanity, but I still pretend that I do. Which leaves me with some big questions about exactly what my priorities are in life. I don't feel strongly about anything. I used to be an emotionless machine when I needed to be, but I'm that way all the time now. When I'm around my friends, I am whatever they need me to be. When I'm around my real friends, I am myself, occasionally.

I don't want to be happy. I don't want to be sad or angry, but I just don't want to be happy, and I don't know why. I don't think that I don't deserve to be, but I just find myself sabotaging the good things in my life over and over again. Ruining good relationships, avoiding good friends, and good feelings. I desperately want everyone else to be happy though, and to all be friends and in love with someone and loved by everyone. Sometimes I try to force myself to be happy, by doing things that used to make me happy. It doesn't work very well. And sometimes I get a little concerned that I don't feel the same way about happiness as, apparently everyone else. But I get tired of fighting it.

I have an autistic brother. Almost my entire family is socially low-functioning. Still resisting and embracing all of this in my own life.

I think that there are better things in this world to worry about than victimless crimes and private sins. I don't watch sports, and I don't have a favorite team. I don't believe it is America's responsibility to spread democracy to every country we invade, or to invade every country that we think needs our democracy.

I think that my generation is obsessed with its own rights and freedoms, and ignorant of its responsibilities. I think that personal dignity flows forth from hard work for an honest wage, and the ability to improve our own situations through our own personal efforts. But I also believe that family, friends, organized religion, and government are not unbreakable institutions that should demand or deserve blind obedience. I believe in everyone's personal right to work in their own self-interests first.

That said, I love to be disagreed with, and challenged. Called out on my failings, questioned, debated. I think I graciously accept criticism, so please say whatever you like in comments. I don't have any beliefs or qualities that are so precious that you can't knock them around a little bit. I know I'm still growing, and that I'm incomplete, in every way.

Also, I know we can all add friends indiscriminately sometimes - if I turn out not to be your style - no hard feelings. Unfriend me and I'll unfriend you back - no need to make a big deal about it. This blog is going to get all the darkest, most terrible things that I can't say anywhere else, because I have to say it to someone. And I respect that that's not everyone's style.